From Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.


I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.


I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.


I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.


I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.